A struggle called life

My body takes to this cold floor well, I continue to lie against it. My chest heaves in rhythm to the guitars that play in the background. If my heart were to beat any faster it may explode. This pain I put myself through is addictive. A few minutes ago every muscle in my legs strained to carry my body forward, at the decree of a mind wishing to maintain a steady, swift pace. He'd screamed to stop, this hurt was killing, every nerve racing to the brain signalling an aching,.... an incessant aching. But in the battle of mind over body, the strong willed wins, all pleas go unheard.
.......And a wave of heat rises off me, this pain slowly begins to cease,.....this bittersweet pain. A brief moment of peace comes alive, elusive as it has been for quiet awhile. I know it won't last for long, I savour every minute of it. The calm ebbs and I know it will soon be over, the music returns to my ears, my senses begin to respond to the cool floor. I know I have to rise soon and return to life,... a struggle called life.

A blog less ordinary

I need to start a new blog. To all those, whose attention this blog hasn't been able to hold, my apologies. I must admit, I have been quite selfish about this blog. The words that are penned here are done so for the mere satisfaction and pleasure of the blogger himself. It isn't written keeping in mind what fellow netizens would like to read. Which brings me around to the idea, that if I had to write for someone who would I write for. A netizen is too broad a term.When it finally boils down to individuals, there are differences, there are sections of them with varying tastes, and while being able to cater to all of them through a single blog may not be impossible, it will take a lot of creative exhaustion to bring to existence. Luckily, I have had a certain section of my rare readers return to me with criticism which is constructive (Wise quote: Criticism which does not come forth, no matter how well intentioned, is anything but constructive. To Blog: The psychology of criticism) And while they speak, I feel quite safe in assuming that they speak for a greater majority. Words less taxing on the mind, ideas a little less complex, the blog for the normal man, who loves his meals, committed to his job, worries more about his family than his world and would prefer reading something more straightforward. I don't think at the end of a day he would like to decipher the esoteric writings of a blogger whose thoughts more often than not border on the unconventional. Then to you my friends I will soon begin one, we have laid the seeds, just give it some time to sprout. Watch this page.
As for this space here, I am afraid he will continue to cater to one mind alone.

Can't get you out of my head

Songs that have me hooked as of today, rather...tonight:
* City and Colour - Comin' Home
* Tom Cochrane - Didn't mean
* Fuel - Million miles

Define

Like the gentle breeze that wafts though the slender stalks of green paddy fields, like the soft rain that falls upon the rustic earth....the cool water quenching its thirst, like the warmth that envelops them when two lovers kiss, like the clear night sky speckled with a million stars that shine upon the universe, like the graceful trot of a stallion by the riverside......
Towards these beautiful aspects of nature, I bear no hate, but an association I have none.
I owe my allegiance to the raging storms that battle the titanic oceans on dark moonless nights, to the violent explosions on the surface of the sun threatening to split him apart, to the lone cliff that rises from the ground in contempt of the crashing waves, to the chest that braves a bullet in his struggle for freedom, to the spirit of the wolf as he howls to his pack just before they set out for a twilight hunt on the barren Alaskan snowfields
....It is these unspoken acts of defiance that have my loyalty.

Final straws

Come December
the last maple leaves that cling in desperation
Will be forced to kiss the ground
the squirrels that pranced around in gaiety
will seek shelter in the earth below
water which nows runs free over these rocks
shall soon be frozen in motion
the year that saw the end of a chapter
shall soon come to its dark end

And I will wait for these cold winds to blow
to know which way they go
I will watch another lake freeze, another river struck still,
the trees laid bare,............
the last shards of vulnerability, laid siege to by nature's plan
know no dread, neither any fear
I will be waiting
Come December

Hallowed be thy name

To those familiar,.....

• I have seen Iron Maiden in flesh and blood.
• I have screamed along with Bruce......live!
• I have seen Eddie
• I have chanted along with 15000 people to "Fear of the Dark"

Orca

Last weekend, I spent time with a couple of dolphins, seals, walruses and killer whales. Though I couldn't strike a meaningful conversation with any of them, we were in close proximity as they swam in man-made tanks. I was attracted to the killer whale(Orca) in particular, in fact "killer whale" is a misnomer. They belong to the dolphin family, the largest one at that. An appealing trait is their intelligence which is visible in their group hunting strategies(known to prey on blue whales, hence "killer whale"), their social structure, their methods of communication.
While it was indeed a memorable experience to watch these magnificent creatures swimming around in an environment where it is possible to watch them more closely, there is a price that is paid. A price paid by the orca himself. Under captivity, they are known to suffer from a condition called dorsal fin collapse. The water in the tanks lack sufficient pressure as compared to that of the ocean, which is supposedly required for the dorsal fin's development.
While developed nations have certainly reached a more humane way of treating animals in captivity, the truth will always remain. Captivity, no matter how humane, is unfair. These mute beings have a right to roam free in the wild, and shouldn't have found their way into this blog to be described as beautiful.

Fate

"Fate...is a funny thing. It swells up like raging waters that we are forced to travel. It provides no exit, no deviation, no respite. It drops us in a bottomless ocean and compels us....we either swim,...or drown. And sometimes as we struggle against the unforgiving tide, a great truth arises......, we've been here before."

26

I woke up a couple of days ago to be reminded that I had turned 26. Some people had more reason to be excited than myself. Thank you all, I feel honoured.
My fascination with birthdays ceased many years ago, after I got my He-Man costume as a birthday gift from my parents. The following year He-Man was no longer my superhero, and slowly birthdays became to me nothing more than a cake, a party and lots of gifts. And if birthdays were supposed to make one feel good/special on one particular day, then, at the risk of sounding vain, I felt great about myself almost all the time. Yeah, there were times when I felt like a loser, but bouncing back thrills me to this day.
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26 years and maybe I can afford to feel justified in imparting some wise statements on life:
* You could have two or more opposing viewpoints on the same subject, but still be on the right side.
* Education alone does not ensure the development of an individual, his environment is as important if not more.
* Indians are survivors
* Men and women probably have the same amount of emotions, but thats probably as far as we will get when it comes to equality. Men can't deal with emotions too well and women seem definitely beter equipped.
* Mothers are angels, they will put up with all your nonsense and still receive you with open arms.
* Standing up for one's principles is not easy, they will be shunned, they will face resistance. But whether they prevail is actually a test of how steadfast they were in the first place.
* Money probably does not bring happiness, but spending it definitely does.
* Racial discrimination is not an evil of the west, it is as rampant in other parts of the world, albeit in different forms.
* People can change, adulthood does not imply a fixed character, we are capable of constantly evolving, though the temptation to stagnate is quite strong.
* We love logical ends, so I shall stop with 10.
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Proof of man's questioning mind, you counted.

Mrs. Life

If life is a great teacher, then she definitely has some very confusing lessons. For instance, the practice of being well planned and organising one's time efficiently, would seem like a very valuable trait. But no sooner than you begin to exercise this discipline upon yourself and your surrounding life, you risk portaying yourself as a rigid person. You are criticized for your lack of flexibility, of not being able to accept that nothing in the world goes as planned, of expecting your matters and those accociated with yours to execute themselves like clockwork.
So little Johny tells himself, he needs to be more relaxed, a little less uptight about time, be more accepting of the inherent flaws in people and himself. Little Johny relaxes his principles a bit, but he is caught by surprise almost immediately, because now criticism comes again from the same quarters and maybe new ones as well. This time around his reliability is questioned, he comes across as a person who cannot be depended upon, how can one trust someone who does not value time, both his and that of his fellowmen??
Oh Life! Your stature as one of the greatest teachers of men is probably equalled only by Death, and I bow with both humility and respect. But I am just a small boy playing along the shores of the sea of knowledge that you have to impart. I may fall, I may hurt, I may go wrong, ....but I will learn.
So..... could you please cut me some slack!!!

An old profile

I am Indian
I believe all men are equal
I trust in man's capability to do good
I accept man's failure to do good all the time
I love music
I hate jazz
I loved the Matrix
I hate the Wachowski brothers for ruining what could have been the greatest trilogy
I don't believe in superstitions
I love my friends
I dislike wannabes
I don't pray
I worship Joe Satriani
I have lost in love
I love dogs
I hate cats
I can tolerate kittens
I believe luck is a coincidence that works in one's favour
I don't trust in it
I can head-bang
I am my own God
I abhor religious fanaticism, child labour, oppression of women, racism, casteism, communalism
I respect others religious beliefs
I love chocolate
I love jumping off heights when I can be assured of safety
I hate girl bands, boy bands and Britney Spears
I do like some of their songs
I am heterosexual
I strive to be more accepting of the sexual preferences of others
I love my country
I believe we can learn a lot from other cultures
I believe all species are at their cutest in their infant stage
I write code for a living
I feel uncomfortable in hospitals
I could go on forever
I think I'll stop
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I am myself.

Thoughts of a tired man 4 hours before bed time

I don't have anything to write about in particular, but I have some spare time on my hands.
I make an attempt to explain concert atmosphere, (most recently, had been to a Nickelback gig), the electric charge in the air, the opportunity to have screaming fun with a group of strangers whom you wouldn't recognise if you saw them on the street the next day. But I'll save that for another day, I'm not in a rocking state of mind.
I try to put forward my two cents on the Lebanon-Beirut crisis.
Action: Hezbollah kidnaps two soldiers.
Reaction: Southern Beirut is more or less reduced to rubble; 450 Lebanese, 50 Isrealis dead and still counting; around 500,000 people displaced; Condoleezza Rice wastes some air fuel doing her bit for environmental pollution, by aimlessly flying to Israel and Lebanon with not the slightest incline to attain a ceasefire, Bush's intellect is challenged yet again trying to figure out whether Lebanon is a country or a city!
Over reaction?

But while I would like to give a discourse on the futility of war, my tired mind disagrees. So we'll save that too.

Read a news article, family of approximately 7, finally decide to leave their village after a few days since the Israelis sent a warning. war planes, constantly scanning the terrain for any transportation of enemy ammunition, bomb the van in which the family is travelling. Cruelly enough, only survivors are 3 bleeding children, left to fend for themselves. Is the world crying???

Shall leave with a parting thought. When you begin to worry about your pay hike/ your next promotion/ your poor jilted self/ the impression your boss has about you/ how unfair life has been to you, pick up the paper. Rest assured you'll find enough to read, that will make your teensy-weensy problem seem like a scratch compared to the cancer this world suffers from.

Superman Returns........Yawn!

I watched Superman Returns last weekend, slept through certain parts, though whenever I woke up it didn't seem like I missed anything. The IMAX where it was screened had around 4 scenes from the movie specially converted with 3D effects. But even that stunt failed to lift the movie. Hollywood's obsesion to convert comic superheroes into overtly emotional soap actors continues. Previously we had Spiderman continuously ruing over his love life in S-2. Superman makes a kid in this one!!!! (You were supposed to save the world, not impregnate our women.) And the kid in question seems more mentally challenged and less of a superhero child! The plot is long drawn, the action sequences lack creativity and the actors themselves seem so bored to be in the movie.
All in all a movie one can comfortably forget.

Tribute

A little less than a month from now, and it will be a year since you breathed your last. The months immediately after your demise that had dragged drearily, picked up pace by the end of the year. It has taken time to make peace with life, for the sudden manner in which he took you away from us. But I finally feel comfortable in acceptance of life's harsh ways, it would never have been easy. That is the law of life, the law of death. Pain and sorrow remind us we're alive.
One of the regrets that I will live with for the rest of my life, is not having been able to see you one last time. I was late, forgive me. The only grace I was offered was being able to pay my respects to your still body before the cremation. It rained incessantly for days afterwards, everywhere we went,........you would never shed a tear in front of us when alive.
Today, as I break old bonds and assert myself in this chaotic world, your principles guide me through. All the times that I thought you were being too difficult on me, all the lessons you taught me the hard way, come to my assistance today. I am a better man today, because of you. This is my tribute, Thank you.

A proud son

London Chronicles

I completed a month in the capital city of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland(London, in short) on May 10, Tuesday. By the 12th of May i moved into my place, which was long due, and as of today i am a legal tenant residing at 26, Offley Road, Oval, London. My land lady, who stays right above above is an Australian and is a graphic designer by profession. I was exhausted of a substantial amount of my time and energy in my efforts to find a place to stay. The question of "how" shall be answered in the paragraphs that follow.

I must accept that i am here(should be interpreted purely in a physical sense) right now (2005 may 16, 1632 hrs) solely due to one of the channels that the indian software industry has created for bright/block-headed engineers to travel abroad. Thank you. But, there are many other things that i am not in the least bit thankful about, an exposition of which i shall reserve for a later day. Somehow, for some questions the only answers we get are "as per company policy". So "as per company policy", i was entitled to only 5 days of stay in a hotel, (Apr 11-15 2005) after which i could either choose to live on the street for free or pay 1/4 th of my salary as weekly accomodation charges at the hotel. I guess it wouldn't matter if you were travelling either to another country, another planet or for that matter even another galaxy, you are entitled to only 5 days of accomodation at a hotel which would be reimbursed by the company. Company policies transgress countries and galaxies.

It took me 3 days to get acclimatized to the place, work , modes of travel and that left me with hardly 2 days to find my own accomodation. At the start it didnt seem all that hard; there were a few places to look for information(on the web, local newspapers), note prospective offers, pay a visit and finalise. But within the third day of looking i realised, that the people who placed the ads either didnt understand the meaning of terms such as "pleasant", "spacious", "clean", "tidy" or had quite the wrong impression about the place that they were willing to rent/share. I made no efforts to enlighten any of the above folks.

6 days and i still was pretty much homeless, i had already breached company policy and things weren't looking very bright. . 7th day, i set out on another expediton of house hunting. Sometime around the afternoon, i found myself in front of a pharmacy in Leytonstone, waiting for an individual by the name Victor. After a few minutes of pacing around, i noticed a short-built dark-haired Britisher walking towards me with the air of recognition (In retrospect, it seems quite obvious, since when we had spoken i had mentioned that i was indian, and on that afternoon, there was no one more indian than me anywhere near the vicinity of the pharmacy). It was Victor. We walked to the house where he had a room that he was willing to rent. It already had more than a couple of people staying there, a swedish couple, a German student, an australian traveller, and a British professional. I thought to myself, this place could be it, an Indian engineer would complete the global atmosphere of the house. The place looked good, the beer bottles strewn all over the place looked even better, they'd had a party the last night. I had finally found it, the abode i had been looking for all this while. After discussing all the formalities (which, i would realise later, wasn't complete enough) i headed back to the hotel to pick up my luggage and move in. I met a few friends on the way, shared the good news with them , we made merry and i proceeded. By the time i reached the hotel and checked out it had become quite late in the evening. I had to make a call to Victor before i moved so i called him informing him of my arrival. But just before placing the reciever it occured to me to ask him whether there was a minimum notice period i had to give before i left. To which he replied "3 months". I had foreseen my entire stay in London to be only for 3 months, which meant i would have to give him notice right away. I did, to which he very matter of factly replied that the indian engineer wouldn't be joining the global household.

I was quashed, here i was standing on a street, a mild rain pouring, with all my luggage around me, homeless. I had arrived , the refugee from India. If we had a photographer around, we would have had an entry into the Picture of the Year (POY) Awards. But all you sadist lovers of tragedies, it doesnt get any worse than this. It could have, but this story doesnt. Luckily i have a father, who thankfully has ample contacts in major cities of the world and london just happened to be one of them. A few minutes, and a few phone calls later, i had arranged stay for myself in Croydon. It was temporary, but it resolved all my problems for now.

For the next one month i had a warm room with a cosy bed, good malyalee/North indian/British food(Mrs. Nair is quite a good cook), hot tea soon as i get back from work,
Ah!......... the little joys in life. I had moved into a kind, loving household, elderly couple, old friends of Senior. Within a week i had found THE PLACE i intend to stay for all the time that i'm here, at the Oval, quite close to the cricket stadium. The tube station is just a stone's throw away, making life a bit easier. Its not one bit global, i share the house with another indian. We'll probably learn how to make sambar together, sorry mate don't see any Shepherd's Pie being baked here.

Well, now that writing this blog has taken my entire afternoon, and i do not wish it to eat into my evening too, which seems quite pleasant outside. I think its time for me to take in some of the the English air with a pleasant stroll in Kennington park. Blogging ends here. To all those people out there, looking for a place to stay in London, you have my best wishes.

London

My dear people,
First thing love you all. Second thing.....3 days and its been slightly hectic. Have had to juggle between work, finding a place to stay, figuring out the way Britishers live (daily travel, food, telecom). Sorry couldn't mail any of you as soon as i reached. Was able to wrap work by 6, so here i am knocking away at my keyboard.
So here's a gist of what's happened after i waved you guys goodbye at the airport.

10 APR
The two times that i turned around after checking in, i thought you guys would be looking at me and waving in manners that would appear sentimental, but on both occasions you were distracted. Fair enough, i shared the flight with Aditi Govitrikar and many other models. I guess they were all in club class, but there was one who was unlucky enough to be sitting in economy, behind me. well she kept moaning and groaning about wanting to change to club class but, hey lady, there wasn't any place there or anywhere, the flight was running full. I guess she soon realised that if the crew tried to move her, if not to club class, at least to any place near it, she 'd sitting on the wing. And that ain't that good a place to be seated. She made her peace for the rest of the flight.
Nothing eventful happened on the flight, had my dinner, had my thoughts and we landed at Mumbai.
The last i saw of the models was at baggage claim, and boy was baggage claim looking good or what. I missed my luggage three times on purpose, i wasn't the only one.

After landing, took the internal shuttle service to the international airport. Spoke to you guys then, Sindhu's number kept ringing. Embarkation and security checks afterwards, i was waiting at the lounge for the British Airways flight. Kader Kahn trvelled with me this time. The flight was late, was scheduled at 2, we left at 3.
I wanted a window seat, but instead got one by the isle. the seats were quite cool, the ones with tv screens in front. there were around 10 channels to watch. movies, discovery, music. watched School of rock, was ok.
Slept quite well.

11 APR
your watch starts at 4:00 am, you watch a 2 hour movie, and later you fall into a deep sleep. You wake up and hey its only 6:00 am, we switched time zones. Not all that bad, but i guess its worse for US travel. Wasn't too jet lagged. The plane landed at Heathrow, at 8:00 am. Walked out of the plane, entered the airport, took a minute by the side of a huge glass window ovelooking the runways and the planes, took out my passport and work permit and thought to myself................ "man, i've managed to tear my work permit into two". Well i tried to strike a very romantiv pose by the crystal clear glass with the beautiful background, but didnt realise that i was handling my WP a bit too hard. Told myself, they shouldnt be throwing me out of this country for tearing my WP, so dont worry.
Headed towards immigration, gave the passport and torn WP, the official didn't have a problem with it, but i guess somewhere in the corner of his mind he prayed for the company i was going to work for. I didnt have a chest XRAY, was asked to get one. The facility is right within the airport, a very beautiful lady stripped me half nude and had me standing with my bare chest against the cold XRAY machine. Oh! you perverts, stop thinking about the lady, she was at least 60 years old. XRAy done, i marched off to collect my baggage, picked it up much faster than the last time.

I had to wait in a long line to catch a cab, finally caught one to my destination, Premier Travel Inn, Yorkway. The car pulled out of the airport and onto the main road, and as we did so the sight that met the eye was quite beautiful. Lush green grass on either side of the road, plots separated by hedges, a shy sun peeping out of the clouds, high rises in the distance, and a couple of planes circling in the morning sky awaiting a chance to land at one of the busiest aiports in the world. Oh London, thats the only time i've embraced you.

Half an hour later, i' d reached my hotel. Checked in, made a call to the project manager, informing him of my arrival. It was 10 by then an hour later a colleague of mine dropped in at the reception to take me to work, UBS at 10, Golden Lane, Barbican. We took the tube, as far as i can remember i think the first time i'm travelling in one.(Amma, if you're reading this, i have no memory of the first few years of my life).

Got to work. Got back from work

12 APR
Got to work. Got back from work

13 APR
Got to work. Will get back from work after i'm done with this travelogue.

Food:
For lunch, there's a place, rather a street near the workplace, where there are these small takeaway carts. They sell Thai food, its ok, never been too fussed about food anyway. Grab other meals near the hotel.

Stay:
Will be staying at the hotel for the rest of the week. Need to look at another place to live. Could move into the place where the INfy boys are staying, will have to camp in the living room. Am looking at other options too. Have many, there's a bunch of Aussies with a penguin for instance. Will have something worked out in a week or two.

Travel:
The tube is a real cool thing, i must say. Travel is so easy, its not one bit frustrating. Get into the train, get out at your station and walk to work. Its real good.

Weather:
They call it summer, its the coldest Bangalore gets during the winter. And this we're talking during the day. Winter must be real cold here.

Thats all there is for now, i am going to stop knocking on this keyboard soon. I really miss you guys. You know this place is good, the roads are clean, traffic is organised, an efficient transport sytem, good facilities, nice people, pleasant weather.
But all said and done I'm a hot blooded Indian, i miss my family and friends, and there's no place like home.

Love you all.
Pattu

Waves of Destruction

Around 40 of us left to Nagapattinam, on New Year’s Eve on a trip that was to take us right to the place of destruction. We reached our destination, which was the relief operations centre of a particular organization, at close to 1:00 pm, Jan 1 2005. After a quick lunch and a couple of briefings on the situation we left to the site which had been affected the most. Without any doubt the extent of the damage that meets the eye is alarming. There were boats of all sizes strewn around all over the place like dismantled toys. There is the stench of death all over the place because of dead bodies concealed under the rubble of what was once a busy town. The survivors, now tired of weeping over the loss, stare into the emptiness without any hope. What was even more disappointing was, other than an active district collector, there was the conspicuous absence of any other government official at the site of the catastrophe. In the government’s favour, I am sure that the government feels crippled with extent of relief required stretching from Tiruvalur to Nagapattinam, around 400 km of Tamil Nadu’s coastal belt. With a sense of helplessness we left to return back to the operations centre, where the rest of the evening was spent unloading the relief supplies we had brought along with us.
The next day, 2 Jan 2005, we split ourselves into various groups, and spent the whole of it in medical camps, government hospitals and villages. Binod, Leo and I were part of a group that was doing a survey at a village called Seruthur, close to the holy site of Vailankanni. Seruthur is a fishing hamlet, with a population of approximately 4000 people comprising of around a 100 families. The loss of lives was around 300, the loss of property was close to 10 crore (excluding the damage done to the residences). The village had a total of 600 boats, each costing roughly around a lakh; not a single one of them remains fit to sail again. We had a chance to directly meet affected families, figure out their immediate as well as long tem requirements, and get an approximate amount of personal loss. The whole scene is extremely depressing to say the very least, children have been orphaned, parents have lost some or all of their children, women have been widowed, men have lost their means of livelihood. After spending the whole of the day at Seruthur, we returned back to Nagapattinam and after bidding our goodbyes to the relief workers we left behind, we were homebound by nightfall.
One of the most unfortunate things about this disaster is the number of children who have lost their lives. Unofficial figures state that close to half of the recovered bodies were those of minors, a couple of which we had the opportunity to see ourselves. The sea rushed in with such speed that let alone children, even adults didn’t have time to react. The large scale devastation was caused not by the waters alone, the speeding waters acted as carriers of destruction bringing along with them boats weighing in ranges of a tonne to many. The resulting momentum that was built up by this combination of sea and wood was so huge, that it smashed everything that was in its path. We have had the chance to view the catastrophe first hand and as is known Indonesia and Sri Lanka are affected even worse, the extent of the damage is inconceivable.
Help is pouring in, but it may not be enough and whatever is available may not be utilized effectively. These are finally our own people, we share a country with them, we share an identity with them. And they need us. Please spread the word around, try and do your bit. And let me warn you, please do not donate blindly. Sadly there are quite a few unscrupulous people trying to make a fast buck out of this calamity. Also, sometimes, merely good intentions aren’t enough to do good. Money is being wasted in relief items that are no longer required. People out there want to return to their means of livelihood, want to start their daily lives again, they need utensils, stoves, boats. Please make donations to organizations that allow you to track your contribution. Or better, gather a few like minded people; figure out what you think would be possible for you to donate. Procure the items and ship them to relief organizations.
The only thing that these people are left with is a faith in miracles, a faith in the extraordinary, and a faith in Providence. That is belief. Reality is the rest of this country needs to make it happen.

Suneel